223 Times

223 times. That's how many times I heard "Mommy!" in the eight minutes it took me to make four sippy cups of chocolate milk and one cup of hot tea this afternoon. 223, and I only started counting after seeing it wasn't going to stop any time soon.
I'm tired. I'm sick, although nothing major, I still don't feel like doing anything. I'm grumpy. These are all accurate in describing me today, but that last one is where the problem lies. When I'm grumpy, I feel like I'm being a bad mom. Hear me out. When the kids don't feel well, they want to be loved and cuddled and catered to. I don't. They want juice, medicine and Mommy. I don't. They want to snuggle and watch TV. I don't. When I don't feel well, I want to be left alone. I want to wear my pajamas all day, make some hot peppermint tea, curl up on the couch and not do a darn thing. But, most importantly, I want to be left alone. I don't want to cuddle, or have to make lunch or four special snacks, or 16 cups of chocolate milk. I don't want to hear arguments over the TV or toys, or have to separate fighting toddlers. I don't want to have to change diapers or wipe tiny bottoms or empty training potties. I just don't want to. And I'm just whining.
I have kids, who I love and adore and whom I want/have always wanted more than life. I'm a stay at home mom who owns her own business. I have four almost three year olds who I'm potty training. Being "left alone" is not an option, and I know that. Most of the time when I'm not feeling well, I can pacify them long enough to get my crap together and climb out of my grumpy mood. Usually, I can do this without the help of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or anything/anyone else. Usually some hot tea and a few moments of silence will cover it. Usually I can push through and get things done. Today is not a usual day. I need my Chad. I need my husband, I need the kids' daddy, I need my best friend. I need a minute.
 I try to let Chad know how important he is to us, because he is! I try to genuinely welcome him home at the end of his long day because I'm glad he's home and I'm happy to see him, not because I need to bolt or have time away from the kids or because I have tons of things I need to do without a toddler glued to my butt. But because he is great, he is comic relief, he is my right hand, my other half, my breath of fresh air, my adult conversation, my link to the outside world, my "snap out of it", my "I need to talk to someone", truly my very best friend. Today, I just need him here. I just don't feel like I can do this today, alone. 223 times over, I need help. I need his help. I need his hugs, and I need his love for our kids. But, most importantly, I need to not be left alone. Sometimes what we want and what we need are perfect opposites. Hurry home Chad, I need you today, but I want you here, more.